Driving Me Crazy

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By: Eric R

There is something deeply perturbing about encountering one particular animal native to the Greater Boston area. This animal is not on the endangered species list, although it would bring me great satisfaction to learn that its existence was in jeopardy. While I have little doubt that similar species exist in other metropolitan driving areas, I am convinced that there is an unequivocal virulence that one can only find in the specific animal I speak of. I am, of course, referring to the notorious Bostonius Deuchebageus (dont bother looking that one up in your book on Animal Taxonomy – I haven’t submitted it for consideration quite yet), also known as a “Masshole” in Massachusetts vernacular.

Apparently, one of these creatures took it upon themseves to draw up some rules of the road. My personal (least) favorite is rule #17:

 

On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.

Being a commuter myself, I see first-hand every day the perilous driving habits that have, over the past five years, turned my once jet-black head of hair one speckled with grey. I drive about 30 miles to and from work each day, and in nearly two years of making my daily trek, I have been unable to justify, even vicariously, why someone feels the need to suck at life so much. Nevermind that it is the law to yield to faster-moving traffic trying pass someone in a left lane – why would one knowingly remain in that lane? Just today, I was driving in the left most lane, PASSING cars all the while until I finally settled on a speed that I liked. The car in front of me was going fast enough for my purposes, but apparently I was not going fast enough for the purposes of the Deuchebageus behind me. In an instant, the assailant quickly shifted to the middle lane, accelerated past me on the right, and then abruptly shifted back into the left lane, nestling his shitty car in between me and the car that was in front of me. As I just demonstrated, the left lane is for passing. This was not passing. This was a Masshole at his finest.

 

Boston native and acclaimed actor Ben Affleck bashed the nail on the head in articulating the schadenfreude that Massholes seem to cherish when he once described, not the driving habits of Massholes, but the accents they speak with:

 ”The Boston accent is more of an attitude than an accent. Underneath everything you say has to be the attitude of: You’re an asshole, I know better than you, fuck you.”

 

If the Boston accent that Ben so eloquently described encapsulates the attitude of the Boston people, then their driving habits validate his sentiments, even though you and I both know he was right anyways. I mean, this is THE Ben Affleck we’re talking about. Thats all for now. In the meantime, stay out of my way – with the current economy the way it is, I cant afford the costs related to being tagged with reckless driving.  

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Tags: driving, society